The Creeping Crud

I have a terrible cold. I've been fighting it for over a week, but with all of the activity & running around over the past week, it managed to catch me by last Friday. We went & did all of our grocery & Yule shopping that day, because I knew if we didn't, I wouldn't feel well enough to do that much the next day. Even at that, I just kind of felt crappy until very early Tuesday morning, when my ears & throat wouldn't stop itching and my head was pounding. We had one packet of cold medicine left, so I took it in the morning & sent a text message to Troy to ask him to stop at the store on his way home for more.

I managed to get some sewing done and a lot of sitting on my butt, watching TV, too. All I really wanted to do was crank up the space heater and go to bed until Troy got home, but I couldn't do that, I'd be in too much pain to sleep that night, so I did what I could & tried to make it through the day. Thankfully, dinner was just spaghetti & all I had to do was heat sauce & cook noodles.

I'm feeling a bit better today, even if that's just because I have cold medicine to help me get through the worst of it. I hope to get our Yule aprons mostly sewn today, so that tomorrow I can just finish the edges & be done, but we'll see & I'm not going to push myself further than I feel well enough to go. I'm just going to take it a little at a time and do what I can.

Excited

I am, in spite of everything else going on, pretty excited about Yule (and Christmas). I have no idea, at this point, if our daughter will even bother coming over that day (or if she'll be out of jail yet), and I know, for a fact, that neither of the boys will be here and I'm at peace with all of it. Troy & I have a little "Waiting for Yule" calendar we made together, with a different activity, just for the two of us, every day. It's been very sweet and nice, we're both enjoying the season and really looking forward to each day & what it holds.

Our shopping is finished, other than buying some candy to send to Erin & Alisa & her brother for their stockings, and I still need to decide if we're having stockings here at home this year or not. If so, I need to get stuffers. I just bought a bunch of new rechargeable batteries, to replace some of mine that have come up missing & those that didn't hold a charge any more, so I can take plenty of pictures of everything.

I'm looking forward to time spent with the friends that will be here the night of Yule & will miss those that can't. I think I have reached a level of peace & acceptance about the things I can't change or control, which were always the hardest things for me to accept. I think that anyone who's ever been abused in any way, has this need to control the things around them & when we can't, we feel powerless & somewhat terrified. In the past, these things have thrown me into a complete tailspin and deep depression. These days, I get a little sad, I accept it & I move on, finding something positive about the situation. I can't spend any more time in my life like this past year has been. I spent way too much time trying to control a situation that wasn't even mine to worry about and it just about sent me over the edge a few times. I'm learning, it takes time, but I'm not totally a lost cause!

Walking Away

It's been a pretty rough few days. I got a postcard from my daughter the other day, it was pretty much full of lies and pipedreams, again. Nothing about her wanting to get and stay sober and try to get her life together. Just lies about how sorry she was and how much she wishes she was still 16 and carefree (I'm not sure why she thinks she was carefree then, she was the angriest 16 year old I've ever known). She went on & on about Yule & how she wanted her stocking so much & not to have to grow up and lose that. Thinking about stockings and happier family holidays just breaks us up too much to really want to have that in our lives right now. I can't even look at Lion King toys in the store without feeling like I'm spinning out of control, because that reminds me of her when she wasn't screwed up.

So, I wrote back & told her that we were pretty much finished. We won't be supporting her financially, in any way. All that we were doing that way was enabling her, and she ate it up. I told her she could never spend the night here again, that we don't & can't trust her anymore. It's hard to be cold to one of your children, even if it's the best thing for them at the time. She has to understand that we can't watch her destroy herself anymore. This is her choice, not our business, but it's so much easier when it isn't in your face all the time. We got so tired of feeling like babysitters & being yelled at because we couldn't just let her do what she wanted (she's on probation, and we forbade the activities her probation prohibits) and that we won't tolerate being lied to.

We've grown too used to the quiet, peacefulness that having just the two of us here brings. We aren't ready or willing to give that up, yet, if ever. We are finally getting a chance to just be a couple after all of these years of raising children together. We got together when my kids were 1, 3 & 5, so there was never really any "couple time." We had almost no money and kids to raise. It's nice now to have that time together. It's time for her to grow up, she's over 21 after all.

Working on Life

I'm really trying to change my outlook of me and my life. I'm angry with my daughter, hurt by one son and confused by the other. I do understand that they are adults, living their own lives and that I really have no place to say anything one way or the other about those lives. I did my job, I raised them, gave them a foundation in responsible action, moral behavior and everything else I could think of, to arm them for the real world. They chose to pretty much do the exact opposite of everything they were taught. That isn't my fault, I need to accept that & move on in my life.

I can have what I want, for the most part these days, I just have to stop feeling guilty that one of my children may be going without something (due to their own actions) that the money I want to spend on one of the Nooks I'm looking at could buy for them.

I know the hardest days with my daughter are coming up, when we tell her we still haven't changed our minds about her fines and phone & are still not paying for anything. I know that I will have a lot of guilt & will be second-guessing myself all over the place, but the truth is, it's time for her to grow up. She wants all of the rights and benefits of being an adult, so she needs to own the responsibilities of adulthood, as well.

I will come out of all of this a better, stronger and happier person. That will be my only resolution next year.

Done for Awhile

The judge sentenced my daughter to 60 days. She started today & her time serve counts, plus she's eligible for good time. She'll probably be out by Yule. Great. I'm sure serving a total of 42-44 days will really make a difference in her life, considering that she served 44 before & immediately started drinking when she got out.

Her PO is trying to get her into a residential rehab program, so hopefully, that will happen & she'll be willing to make the changes she needs to in her life to get better. I don't have much faith in that, not at this point. I don't see her making any changes at all. I see her talking a good line, but not really delivering on anything she promises, because that's been what she has always done. she tried to convince the judge that he should let her out for the holidays, so she could give us the gift of her sobriety, but he refused (I'm thankful for that).

After we got home, my son called to see if we could try to get a loan to supplement his financial aid loans, so that we'd be turned down & he could get an extra $2000 on them. I refused & he went out of his way to make me feel guilty about that, including attacking people on my Facebook status.

I'm so done being hurt by my kids. I'm emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted by all of it. I did my job. I raised them, kept them safe, tried to nurture their spirits, bodies and minds. Why do they think I want to spend the rest of my life supporting them financially? We aren't wealthy, they knew from childhood we wouldn't be able to pay for their college or support them when they were adults. Did they think we were joking?

Not What I Wanted to Do

I had to go to court for my daughter last week, and because the judge gave her a lawyer & a continuance, I have to go back again this afternoon. She was not pleased to see me there last week, she immediately started crying when I walked in. I guess it's because I'd know what all of her charges were & she couldn't lie to me anymore. There were a total of five charges, including public intoxication, and criminal mischief (they stole a cop car & went joyriding). Her probation violations are marijuana, alcohol & association with a known felon.

I'm just done.

I don't and can't trust her in my home. I'm worried that she would rob us blind and sell everything to buy booze, then claim it was a burglar. If I thought getting a security system would help protect me from her, trust me, at this point, I would buy one. At this point, all we can do to protect our assets and hearts is to stay as far away from her as possible, until we're ready to be around her again. I'm still so angry that it's probably a good idea that she's still in jail & I'm not allowed to speak to her in court.

I'm really dreading going today, I'm so worried the judge will just let her out again for whatever reason. She needs to be sitting in jail, where at least we all know she's safe and sober. I'll be happy to have it over again, at last, so I can get back to my normal life and stop being upset and stressed out all the time.

Nothing Ever Changes

I'm so frustrated right now. In my heart, I knew our daughter (the one on felony AND misdemeanor probation) was drinking again, but I had hoped I was wrong. She's in jail again. Intoxication and probation violation. Again. I'm done this time, no matter how much guilt she tries to shovel down my throat. I'm not paying her fines or phone bill anymore. I'm just so tired of the lies, of being used, of feeling like everything in her life is in a downward spiral with only one possible result. I hate being treated like I'm so stupid that I believe everything she says, when the exact opposite is true - I've believed almost nothing coming out of her mouth for years. I've cried too many tears over this and hurt for far too long, spent too many years trying to figure out what I did to make her this way & jeopardized my own health while I've been busily beating myself up.

I just wish I had a kid that lived here that I could actually trust to stay in my home and watch my pets while I went away for a weekend. I knew she wasn't an option, after our trip this past summer when she tried to break into our bedroom and steal the benedryl (she abuses it by taking 20 at a time). I was thinking of boarding Tiny, or getting someone to come and stay here, but I don't know who I could ask at this point, or if I can afford the boarding. We have a trip planned in January, with friends to celebrate me & Ryan's birthdays. I found a room where I can bring Tiny, so we'll see.

I should be excited for the upcoming holidays and our friends' twins being born (which reminds me, I need to get started on crocheting some baby boy gifts for them) and making plans for camping this Spring, not stressing out and worrying about a person who just wants to self-destruct because she can. I have enough trouble with my depression without her adding to it, I was finally getting a grip on the weather changing and got the news she was in jail again. Arg!!!!!!!