Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Nothing Ever Changes

I'm so frustrated right now. In my heart, I knew our daughter (the one on felony AND misdemeanor probation) was drinking again, but I had hoped I was wrong. She's in jail again. Intoxication and probation violation. Again. I'm done this time, no matter how much guilt she tries to shovel down my throat. I'm not paying her fines or phone bill anymore. I'm just so tired of the lies, of being used, of feeling like everything in her life is in a downward spiral with only one possible result. I hate being treated like I'm so stupid that I believe everything she says, when the exact opposite is true - I've believed almost nothing coming out of her mouth for years. I've cried too many tears over this and hurt for far too long, spent too many years trying to figure out what I did to make her this way & jeopardized my own health while I've been busily beating myself up.

I just wish I had a kid that lived here that I could actually trust to stay in my home and watch my pets while I went away for a weekend. I knew she wasn't an option, after our trip this past summer when she tried to break into our bedroom and steal the benedryl (she abuses it by taking 20 at a time). I was thinking of boarding Tiny, or getting someone to come and stay here, but I don't know who I could ask at this point, or if I can afford the boarding. We have a trip planned in January, with friends to celebrate me & Ryan's birthdays. I found a room where I can bring Tiny, so we'll see.

I should be excited for the upcoming holidays and our friends' twins being born (which reminds me, I need to get started on crocheting some baby boy gifts for them) and making plans for camping this Spring, not stressing out and worrying about a person who just wants to self-destruct because she can. I have enough trouble with my depression without her adding to it, I was finally getting a grip on the weather changing and got the news she was in jail again. Arg!!!!!!!

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