The Sweet, Sweet Summertime

I truly do love Summer. It never used to be a favorite season, it just got far too hot for me. Of course, as a child, I loved it, but only because there were three whole months that I wasn't on someone else's schedule, but it was still, far too hot for me. As I get older & the cold gets harder for me to take, I grow to love Summer more and more. I would love nothing more than a screened in porch for the hot months & a couple of sunrooms for the winter, so I could soak up as much heat as possible, year-round.

I'm really looking forward to Summer this year, not only for the camping, but because it's the first Summer in many years that our son has been here to enjoy it with us & on top off all of that, he's sober. Him getting his life together & starting over has sweetened everything else just a little.

Frustration

So, apparently I was wrong about the girl falling off the wagon - at the time. She did eventually, but she claims it was only for a day. I just know she hasn't been to a meeting since then (she went to one drunk) and has a different excuse every day. I removed myself from the equation, it's just easier that way. If I don't let myself care then I don't lose sleep or start dreaming that I'm smoking a fat cigar from the stress. I can't keep making her disease my disease, you know?

Yes, it is frustrating. Yes, I do love her & worry about her health. I can't do anything about any of it, so it's best not to spend every day of my life hyper-focused on what she may or may not be doing. I spent almost a year doing that & it wasn't pretty.

(Months later as I'm editing this & moving it to the new blog - she was never on the wagon, she was never sober during those months, she was just good at pretending)

Music

Our son has been spending a lot of time playing guitar lately, several hours a day, I would say. He's been learning a lot of folk, blue grass & old standards and is getting really pretty good at it. He really seems to have found his musical joy again & that makes me so happy. His birthday is in August & I've been looking at guitars for him; if he needed an electric, I'd consider getting a nice one, but he doesn't & I'm not made out of money, so I'll keep looking at acoustics, and hope I find him something he loves as much as he does his dad's.

Getting Through It

The other day, my son asked if I had an extra backpack lying around that he could use. I kind of got quiet and stressed & asked him what he needed it for, he replied with, "I just want something to carry my notebook, Big Book, pen & iPod in when I'm out & about." I said I'd see what I had & we went about our day. I realized, even at the time, why I was so freaked out about him asking. Our daughter has one, and she only carries it when she's using/drinking.

I explained my freak-out to him a few days later and we all laughed about it. I know he isn't planning to start using again, if he was, he'd just leave. He wouldn't make us watch him kill himself. I think I have a nice leather backpack out in the workshop, I'll try to find it as we're going through stuff out there so I can give it to him.

It's terrible the residual damage that's done to a family when they live with an active addict, the associations and fears that remain when they move on or seek recovery. I hope that one day, I won't still be dealing with all of this.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I honestly should have known it was too good to be true. She really managed to fool me for awhile, I guess getting that new phone was pretty important to her. Yes. The girl is drinking again, I hear she's back to mouthwash. I'm just so tired of being lied to and so tired of her pretending to be sober because she fears jail. Why not just get sober because you fear dying? To me, it would just be easier to actually work on my steps & work my program (and trust me, I have my own steps & program, so I do "get it") than it would be to go to meetings every morning while I was drinking every afternoon or evening. It would be so hard for me to lie to the people I love like she has been.

At any rate, I've told her that the deal for the cell phone is off the table & not to contact me until she's ready to actually work a program for herself & not to stay out of jail. I know it sounds heartless, but I can't do this anymore.

A Different Perspective

There was a time when we avoided bath stores like the plague, because I went into one, once, with my mother & something I looked at & liked was more than I was willing to pay. So, I assumed there would never be anything in one of those stores that I could afford. Living in a town where you have one store to shop in really colors how you view pricing everywhere else. You really don't have a reasonable idea of what things do cost in the real world that way.

We shop at places like that all the time now, every two weeks. I see things I like, want & can afford every time we go in. I could have afforded to shop there before, I just had this warped view of things then and believed that I couldn't. Shopping there has given me the chance to buy quality products at reasonable prices, so I'm not constantly replacing everything because it broke or wore out. These days, I'd rather have to spend more money once, than less money many times.

SSDD

That title pretty much sums up my life, not just right now, but always, really. My mom calls me and always asks what we've been up to & honestly, we really aren't ever doing anything amazing. It's just the everyday, every day. I'm not complaining, it just makes it awkward to have conversations with people when they don't understand why I'm not going to their house weekly.

I am busy, it's just busy doing the things I want to do, like staying home, hanging out with my husband, kids and friends rather than going out there where I really still don't feel that welcome. My oldest brother recently got married, while we were all hanging out after the reception, my other brother's girlfriend verbally attacked me, out of the blue & for absolutely no reason (not that I could see, at any rate). I cried all night, even in my sleep. My mom told me to "drop it because J was sorry & crying over it." It was nice to know that my feelings in the situation don't matter to my own mother, not even enough that I was allowed to talk about it. Then she lectured me last Saturday night (my mother) about "appreciating your family" and all of that. What?! I'm always there for my family if they need me, just because I have my own life & desires doesn't mean that I don't appreciate them. It might mean that I don't have much time for people who don't appreciate me, though.

Blargh. It doesn't matter. The more I talk about it, the more it upsets me.