Getting Through It

The other day, my son asked if I had an extra backpack lying around that he could use. I kind of got quiet and stressed & asked him what he needed it for, he replied with, "I just want something to carry my notebook, Big Book, pen & iPod in when I'm out & about." I said I'd see what I had & we went about our day. I realized, even at the time, why I was so freaked out about him asking. Our daughter has one, and she only carries it when she's using/drinking.

I explained my freak-out to him a few days later and we all laughed about it. I know he isn't planning to start using again, if he was, he'd just leave. He wouldn't make us watch him kill himself. I think I have a nice leather backpack out in the workshop, I'll try to find it as we're going through stuff out there so I can give it to him.

It's terrible the residual damage that's done to a family when they live with an active addict, the associations and fears that remain when they move on or seek recovery. I hope that one day, I won't still be dealing with all of this.