Accomplishments of 2011

Based on my Goals/Resolutions

1. Stopped being as needy as I was in 2010
2. Went to 2 places I've talked about going and another I'd never been to.
3. Instead of reaching my weight-loss goal, I realized that all of this dieting is bad for me & am learning to eat intuitively and accept for who I am.
4. Worked on reacting to the things in my world that upset or disappoint me in more constructive ways. I'm getting better about it, but I'm not perfect.
5. I have been taking much more time for myself, napping when I want to, taking time out to read when I feel the urge or just spend the day vegging out in front ofte TV.
6. I bought all new living room furniture & a dinette set.
7. I have redefined the meaning of "family" for myself. I do visit & talk with my parents and siblings, but things will never be the same.
8. I'm doing what I have to to try to heal my broken places. I will eventually get regular counseling, and do what I need to there as well.

What I Didn't Follow Through On

1. Be active at least 4 days a week.
2. I didn't buy my dream camera & haven't looked into photography classes.
3. I didn't get any painting done.

Numbers 1 & 3 will be added to my new list, or already have been. I think I did fairly well, better than usual!

The Silly Season

We did end up going out shopping in the chaos of the pre-Christmas crush. Troy got his end-of-year bonus on Yule & there were things we had been patiently waiting for over a month to get, so we packed our daughter up after we had gifts & breakfast & headed out of town to Costco. It's always busy there, so we didn't really notice much difference, we got what we had gone in for (a Keurig) and a few other things and left. We went & bought K cups, soda refills & a couple of spare lids for our Soda Stream, bought our daughter some books at Barnes & Noble and the took her to Target to buy gifts for her little nieces. All in all, it was a pretty mellow & fun time.

We had to go out again last night, but we waited until things were calm, at around 10pm. I needed to get one more gift for our niece and some cold medicine. Troy bought me a nice sweater, too. We were in & out before 11, without any hassle at all, even though we browsed a bit & even stopped to look at a few funny t shirts on the way. I'll be happy when the holidays are over & the stores aren't crowded anymore, for sure!

Yule Week, Finally!

It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating Samhain and here it, already 3 days before Yule. I'm excited, even though I know what I'm getting (I actually picked everything out myself, as did Troy). I love getting together with friends, having ritual together & enjoying each other's company. As much as I enjoy exchanging gifts with our friends, and as disappointed as I was that we wouldn't be doing that this year, it'll be nice to just relax together before we all have to spend that awkward time with our families.

I do love my family, don't get me wrong, it's just strange, putting a bunch of people together, who would never hang out if we weren't related and expecting them to all socialize & have an amazing time. My brothers don't know me, not really, their girlfriends have more in common with them than with me or each other. I love my parents, but I'm always on my guard with them, since you never know what one of them will say that will be offensive and completely unacceptable. I'm happy to go out there, but I'll be relieved when we're on our way home, too.

My mom called me the other day to reschedule from Christmas Eve to Christmas afternoon & early evening, which was good because I was able to give them an idea what our daughter might like, and an idea for our niece too. She mentioned she had some Bealls coupons and some more for another place she likes to shop for clothes & that she & dad would be heading out. I got a couple of other calls from them to verify colors and sizes, but they seemed to be having a pretty good time, even though my mom has hated Christmas for almost as long as I can remember. It really makes me wonder why she keeps doing it, honestly.

The Past Year

I plan to be working on a post this week, talking about the things I've accomplished in the past year, and probably another one, on New Year's Eve, recapping the year, but I imagine both posts will take a bit to write, and I'm going to devote some time & thought to each. I think it's important to remember the years as they pass, to celebrate our accomplishments & grieve our defeats. We can do little else about our lives but those things, there are no guarantees that everything will turn out for us.

We take each day as it comes, because it will do whatever it pleases, no matter how well we may have planned for it. At the end of it, we celebrate it as a success or mourn it as a failure & move on to the next one. When a year is gone, we hope we have more celebrations than sadness, but it isn't always the case. Either way, we tally it up, and move on.

As for me, for today, this morning is turning to suck, hopefully by this afternoon it'll be okay again.

The Fabulous Holiday Blog Challenge: Day 9

Today's Topic is: 2012 Goals/Resolutions

I used to do all of my goal-setting on my birthday, feeling like I was more likely to stick with them if I didn't make resolutions on New Years & such, but lately, since we started our Circle, I make them on Yule, with everyone else in my Circle. Needless to say, I've been thinking about these since Samhain, and trying to decide what really matters to me, enough to spend time working on in the next year of my life.

1. Continue to work on accepting myself the way I am, which includes loving my body the way it is.
2. Get & stay active in whatever way I can, depending on the season.
3. Work on being a stronger, better parent to my adult offspring. I'm determined to prove to my daughter that the only way I can help her now is to not be so quick to help her.
4. Get the house organized the way we want it done, with the new office & expanded storage areas for kitchen & bathroom.
5. Dress myself in beautiful things that I love.
6. Grow my hair out & have it styled in a way that I love.
7. Be more creative.


I think that's about it, I'll add more later if I think of anything.

The Fabulous Holiday Blog Challenge: Day 8

Today's Topic is: Christmas Wish List

I actually only had two items on my wish list this year & I'm getting them both. I wanted an ebook reader, I didn't care whether it was a Kindle or a Nook & a cover for it. I'll be getting a Nook Color & a really nice cover for it. Troy's getting the same thing from me.

The only other thing I really wanted is intangible & I won't be getting it. I wanted our daughter to go into inpatient rehab & get clean & sober, not for us, but for herself & her future. Instead? She'll be going to live with one of the friends she always drinks with and will likely end up back in jail before too much longer, especially since she won't be paying her fines.

Anyway, Troy & I usually get what we want through the year, so it's hard to decide what we want for Yule or Christmas, usually opting for one item, generally the same thing. We've both wanted an ebook reader for awhile, so it was a good excuse to get them.

The Fabulous Holiday Blog Challenge: Day 7

The topic is: How do YOU celebrate the Holidays?

If you read this blog regularly, you know that I'm Pagan. I personally, don't celebrate Christmas anymore, although I do observe it, in my own way. I'm married to a Catholic & respect his beliefs as much as he respects my own. My family (parents & siblings) are Christian, and if I want family holidays, I have to at least pretend to be celebrating Christmas.

I celebrate Yule in my home, although I do give my husband the option of us celebrating on Christmas instead. He chooses Yule because it's easier for him to get the time off of work that day, than it is on Christmas. Anyway, if we've decided to have stocking that year, we empty those first thing on Yule morning and then we have coffee, maybe something to eat & then open gifts. We hang out & relax awhile, enjoying each other & our new goodies, then it's time to start getting the house ready for company later on. That involves removing all of the Fall decor & replacing it with Winter & cleaning up.

I'll get the food together that I'm making for the dessert potluck that night & any gifts that I need to finish or wrap for our friends will get taken care of then, too. I'll set up the ritual space & get the altar & Yule log ready to go.

After our friends get here, we'll have our Yule/Winter Solstice ritual, then we'll eat, exchange gifts if we're doing that & enjoy each other's company for the rest of the evening.

On Christmas Eve or Christmas, depending on my mom has decided, we go over to my parents' house, eat green chili & other goodies and spend time with each other. Some years we exchange gifts, other years we don't. I have no idea what we're doing this time around, since I haven't spoken to anyone about it.

Fabulous Holiday Blog Challenge: Day 6

Today's topic is: Holiday Desert/Treat Recipe

I don't have any one thing that I make year after year, other than fudge, which I always make & have since the kids were very little. I just use the Carnation recipe for that, it's easily available on the internet or a can of condensed milk, so I won't post it. I usually bake a lot of cookies, this year Troy & I baked chocolate chip together & we'll be making peppermint sandwich cookies next week, too. Today, I'm making Cranberry Molasses cookies & Cherry Oatmeal cookies, which may turn into Chocolate Chip Cherry Oatmeal if I'm feeling wild. I'm sure there will be more cookies next week, probably plain molasses & more chocolate chip.

Fabulous Holiday Blog Challenge: Day 5

Today's Topic is Your Ideal Christmas Eve/Christmas/New Year's Eve Outfit.

Well, my holiday starts on December 22, on the Winter Solstice, being that I'm Pagan & not Christian. I'll be wearing this apron:

 

 
 Hopefully, I'll have a lovely new skirt & blouse to wear under it:

    

 I know, not as fashion forward as many of the posts were, but I'm not in my 20s & I'm not trying to prove how hot & sexy I am to anyone. I'll probably wear black flip flops or something like that on my feet. On whichever day we go to my parents' house, I'll probably wear jeans & a sweater, or a t-shirt, it gets really hot in their house. If we were planning to go out on New Year's Eve, which we probably aren't, I'd wear something like this:

  

 

 With these shoes:

 

Merry Christmas!

I hope all of you who celebrate Christmas have a wonderful day, surrounded by those you love. We'll be heading out to my folks' house this afternoon to spend the day with family, have some good food & enjoy the day, even though we celebrated our holiday on the 22nd. (my husband does celebrate Christmas, it's just easier to insure he has the day off if we do it all on Yule) I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, but I'll be just as happy to get home & relax here, too.

I'm just about worn out with all of the celebrating and preparing, to tell you the truth. I've been sick and really have just wanted to sleep my weekend away, and I did, at least for part of it, but I can't today. I got up with Troy & started my day, knowing if I stayed in bed that I wouldn't want to do anything all day. So, I'm waiting for Troy to finish cooking breakfast then I'm going to eat, take a shower & get dressed for the day. I still need to wrap a gift to take with us & gather everything else that goes with us, but other than that, I believe I'll take it as easy as possible today.

Fabulous Holiday Blog Challenge: Day 4

Today's topic is: Favorite Holiday Movies/TV specials

1. Holiday Inn: I know not exactly a movie based only at Christmas, but it starts & ends there & is a beautiful story.

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas: Both versions hold special places in my heart.

3. A Christmas Story: A tradition for us. For years before we bought the DVD, we made sure to catch at least one viewing of the 24 hour marathon that plays every year.

4. Scrooged: A beautiful retelling of a timeless classic.

Then of course are all of the TV shows, Rudolph, Frosty, Charlie Brown, The Little Drummer Boy, I love them all, they take me back to a much simpler & more innocent time.

Fabulous Holiday Blog Challenge: Day 3

Today's Topic: Holiday Decor

We do decorate, but this year, I've gone kind of minimalist, considering we don't have the granddaughters over here once a week and the kids aren't here, either. We have the Yule tree up, decorated in nature themed ornaments. It's a prelit tree, with multi-colored lights. I still have the Autumn garland up at the windows, because it is, after all, still Autumn. We have another smaller, predecorated & lit tree in the foyer, also nature themed and that's honestly, about it, other than a strand of lights around the door outside & the skull wreath, in his winter finest.

We don't even have the gifts under the tree, because our daughter's cat, Diode, pees on anything new you put on the floor. They're very pretty, though, in blue, winter & silver metallic paper & bows.

Oh, we have the Waiting-for-Yule calendar on the fridge,too. It's a bunch of seasonally decorated matchboxes placed in the shape of a tree.

So Tired

This afternoon made a pretty good day into another trying one. I'm so tired of dealing with all of this shit with my daughter. She had her friend's grandpa call me & ask me if I'd please visit her tonight. First off, I've been sick & haven't wanted to get showered & dressed to leave the house for any reason, let alone one where I'll be stuck in a room with a bunch of strangers, talking to my criminal daughter on a phone for 30 minutes. She wants me there as a captive audience to her tears & drama, to make another attempt at convincing/guilt-tripping me into changing my mind about living here, paying her fines and phone and so much more. That isn't going to happen this time.

I don't trust her. She lies and steals from us, with no thought as to how much that hurts us or her relationship with us. She cares only for herself and what she wants, and is happy as long as she accomplishes that. She'll worry at a situation until we give in just to shut her up & we know this, which is why we're limiting our contact with her.

I won't have her alone in my home again, and because of that, she can't live here. We're afraid we'll come home one day to nothing but a wild tale of how a burglar came in while she was asleep & took everything, because in her mind, that's believable & she'll convince herself that it's the truth so that she can be justifiably outraged when we call her on it. This has been true for as long as I can remember with her, no matter the proof we may have to the contrary, she'll insist on her lies.

We deserve this time of peace & calm in our lives. We spent 20 years together, 17 of those was raising kids, the other 3 have been dealing with Rhi as an adult, still wanting to be taken care of like a child, but wanting her freedom like an adult. Chaos, unmedicated crazy, stealing, lies & noise. Too many broken promises to really want to consider doing it any more.

I'm sure it isn't about to get better, she gets out of jail this weekend & I have no doubt there will be non-stop drama from that moment on.

Fabulous Holiday Blog Challenge: Day 2

Yes, I know I'm doing this later than everyone else, but I just found it yesterday & wanted to play along.

Today's topic is: Favorite Holiday Tradition New or Old

New: The Waiting for Yule calendar that Troy & I made this year & are using every day. It has really helped us feel closer, more loving and eager for the holiday. We knew we were going to have a tough time this year, with it being our first one alone, this was my solution & it seems to be working admirably.

Oldish: I love the dessert potluck we have with our friends on Yule. We get together for ritual and then share desserts and most years, exchange gifts. It gives us all a chance to touch base during a very busy time of year.

Old: I enjoy getting together with my family. We used to do it every year on Christmas Eve, but lately my mom has decided she likes it better on Christmas night. Anyway, we get together and have party-type foods, exchange gifts and play games.

Total Mess

My house is a complete mess. I've been sick for awhile & trying to get other things done, so stuff like dusting and vacuuming tend to take a backseat when I only have a tiny bit of energy.

I'm slowly, but surely getting our Yule aprons sewn together & so far, they're turning out pretty cute. I made a really awesome perpetual journal calendar for Erin's fiance' Alisa, I just hope she likes it as much as I do. I'm tempted to steal it for myself! I have almost all of the gifts wrapped & ready to either go under the tree or be sent out to where they need to go. I need to wrap Alisa's & the gifts for the granddaughters.

Troy's working a lot of overtime this month, since a guy he works with fell down on the ice at work the other morning & is out for who knows how long. That kind of throws a wrench into any plans I may have had for his days off, but the money will be nice, especially with insurance needing to be paid and such.

There's a lot of snow on the ground, but the sky is clear & blue today, so my SAD isn't treating me too badly. It helps that the room our office is currently in has a ton of light for most of the day.

Fabulous Holiday Blog Challenge: Day 1

Today's topic is: Favorite Gift Received EVER

Amusingly, I was just thinking about this as I was drifting off to sleep last night. When I was about 8 or so, I think, my mom bought me these wonder little wooden storybook dolls, that had been made in Poland. I absolutely loved them the moment I opened the package. Awhile later, my brother, Craig said he had something for me, too, and came in with a huge package. He had built a dollhouse to go with them. It was nothing fancy, he'd made it out of plywood, but it was beautiful to me & had a hinged roof so I could use the attic to store everything in when I wasn't playing.

So, that was the best combination of gifts I received growing up, it's pretty much the only one I really remember.

The Creeping Crud

I have a terrible cold. I've been fighting it for over a week, but with all of the activity & running around over the past week, it managed to catch me by last Friday. We went & did all of our grocery & Yule shopping that day, because I knew if we didn't, I wouldn't feel well enough to do that much the next day. Even at that, I just kind of felt crappy until very early Tuesday morning, when my ears & throat wouldn't stop itching and my head was pounding. We had one packet of cold medicine left, so I took it in the morning & sent a text message to Troy to ask him to stop at the store on his way home for more.

I managed to get some sewing done and a lot of sitting on my butt, watching TV, too. All I really wanted to do was crank up the space heater and go to bed until Troy got home, but I couldn't do that, I'd be in too much pain to sleep that night, so I did what I could & tried to make it through the day. Thankfully, dinner was just spaghetti & all I had to do was heat sauce & cook noodles.

I'm feeling a bit better today, even if that's just because I have cold medicine to help me get through the worst of it. I hope to get our Yule aprons mostly sewn today, so that tomorrow I can just finish the edges & be done, but we'll see & I'm not going to push myself further than I feel well enough to go. I'm just going to take it a little at a time and do what I can.

Excited

I am, in spite of everything else going on, pretty excited about Yule (and Christmas). I have no idea, at this point, if our daughter will even bother coming over that day (or if she'll be out of jail yet), and I know, for a fact, that neither of the boys will be here and I'm at peace with all of it. Troy & I have a little "Waiting for Yule" calendar we made together, with a different activity, just for the two of us, every day. It's been very sweet and nice, we're both enjoying the season and really looking forward to each day & what it holds.

Our shopping is finished, other than buying some candy to send to Erin & Alisa & her brother for their stockings, and I still need to decide if we're having stockings here at home this year or not. If so, I need to get stuffers. I just bought a bunch of new rechargeable batteries, to replace some of mine that have come up missing & those that didn't hold a charge any more, so I can take plenty of pictures of everything.

I'm looking forward to time spent with the friends that will be here the night of Yule & will miss those that can't. I think I have reached a level of peace & acceptance about the things I can't change or control, which were always the hardest things for me to accept. I think that anyone who's ever been abused in any way, has this need to control the things around them & when we can't, we feel powerless & somewhat terrified. In the past, these things have thrown me into a complete tailspin and deep depression. These days, I get a little sad, I accept it & I move on, finding something positive about the situation. I can't spend any more time in my life like this past year has been. I spent way too much time trying to control a situation that wasn't even mine to worry about and it just about sent me over the edge a few times. I'm learning, it takes time, but I'm not totally a lost cause!

Walking Away

It's been a pretty rough few days. I got a postcard from my daughter the other day, it was pretty much full of lies and pipedreams, again. Nothing about her wanting to get and stay sober and try to get her life together. Just lies about how sorry she was and how much she wishes she was still 16 and carefree (I'm not sure why she thinks she was carefree then, she was the angriest 16 year old I've ever known). She went on & on about Yule & how she wanted her stocking so much & not to have to grow up and lose that. Thinking about stockings and happier family holidays just breaks us up too much to really want to have that in our lives right now. I can't even look at Lion King toys in the store without feeling like I'm spinning out of control, because that reminds me of her when she wasn't screwed up.

So, I wrote back & told her that we were pretty much finished. We won't be supporting her financially, in any way. All that we were doing that way was enabling her, and she ate it up. I told her she could never spend the night here again, that we don't & can't trust her anymore. It's hard to be cold to one of your children, even if it's the best thing for them at the time. She has to understand that we can't watch her destroy herself anymore. This is her choice, not our business, but it's so much easier when it isn't in your face all the time. We got so tired of feeling like babysitters & being yelled at because we couldn't just let her do what she wanted (she's on probation, and we forbade the activities her probation prohibits) and that we won't tolerate being lied to.

We've grown too used to the quiet, peacefulness that having just the two of us here brings. We aren't ready or willing to give that up, yet, if ever. We are finally getting a chance to just be a couple after all of these years of raising children together. We got together when my kids were 1, 3 & 5, so there was never really any "couple time." We had almost no money and kids to raise. It's nice now to have that time together. It's time for her to grow up, she's over 21 after all.

Working on Life

I'm really trying to change my outlook of me and my life. I'm angry with my daughter, hurt by one son and confused by the other. I do understand that they are adults, living their own lives and that I really have no place to say anything one way or the other about those lives. I did my job, I raised them, gave them a foundation in responsible action, moral behavior and everything else I could think of, to arm them for the real world. They chose to pretty much do the exact opposite of everything they were taught. That isn't my fault, I need to accept that & move on in my life.

I can have what I want, for the most part these days, I just have to stop feeling guilty that one of my children may be going without something (due to their own actions) that the money I want to spend on one of the Nooks I'm looking at could buy for them.

I know the hardest days with my daughter are coming up, when we tell her we still haven't changed our minds about her fines and phone & are still not paying for anything. I know that I will have a lot of guilt & will be second-guessing myself all over the place, but the truth is, it's time for her to grow up. She wants all of the rights and benefits of being an adult, so she needs to own the responsibilities of adulthood, as well.

I will come out of all of this a better, stronger and happier person. That will be my only resolution next year.

Done for Awhile

The judge sentenced my daughter to 60 days. She started today & her time serve counts, plus she's eligible for good time. She'll probably be out by Yule. Great. I'm sure serving a total of 42-44 days will really make a difference in her life, considering that she served 44 before & immediately started drinking when she got out.

Her PO is trying to get her into a residential rehab program, so hopefully, that will happen & she'll be willing to make the changes she needs to in her life to get better. I don't have much faith in that, not at this point. I don't see her making any changes at all. I see her talking a good line, but not really delivering on anything she promises, because that's been what she has always done. she tried to convince the judge that he should let her out for the holidays, so she could give us the gift of her sobriety, but he refused (I'm thankful for that).

After we got home, my son called to see if we could try to get a loan to supplement his financial aid loans, so that we'd be turned down & he could get an extra $2000 on them. I refused & he went out of his way to make me feel guilty about that, including attacking people on my Facebook status.

I'm so done being hurt by my kids. I'm emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted by all of it. I did my job. I raised them, kept them safe, tried to nurture their spirits, bodies and minds. Why do they think I want to spend the rest of my life supporting them financially? We aren't wealthy, they knew from childhood we wouldn't be able to pay for their college or support them when they were adults. Did they think we were joking?

Not What I Wanted to Do

I had to go to court for my daughter last week, and because the judge gave her a lawyer & a continuance, I have to go back again this afternoon. She was not pleased to see me there last week, she immediately started crying when I walked in. I guess it's because I'd know what all of her charges were & she couldn't lie to me anymore. There were a total of five charges, including public intoxication, and criminal mischief (they stole a cop car & went joyriding). Her probation violations are marijuana, alcohol & association with a known felon.

I'm just done.

I don't and can't trust her in my home. I'm worried that she would rob us blind and sell everything to buy booze, then claim it was a burglar. If I thought getting a security system would help protect me from her, trust me, at this point, I would buy one. At this point, all we can do to protect our assets and hearts is to stay as far away from her as possible, until we're ready to be around her again. I'm still so angry that it's probably a good idea that she's still in jail & I'm not allowed to speak to her in court.

I'm really dreading going today, I'm so worried the judge will just let her out again for whatever reason. She needs to be sitting in jail, where at least we all know she's safe and sober. I'll be happy to have it over again, at last, so I can get back to my normal life and stop being upset and stressed out all the time.

Nothing Ever Changes

I'm so frustrated right now. In my heart, I knew our daughter (the one on felony AND misdemeanor probation) was drinking again, but I had hoped I was wrong. She's in jail again. Intoxication and probation violation. Again. I'm done this time, no matter how much guilt she tries to shovel down my throat. I'm not paying her fines or phone bill anymore. I'm just so tired of the lies, of being used, of feeling like everything in her life is in a downward spiral with only one possible result. I hate being treated like I'm so stupid that I believe everything she says, when the exact opposite is true - I've believed almost nothing coming out of her mouth for years. I've cried too many tears over this and hurt for far too long, spent too many years trying to figure out what I did to make her this way & jeopardized my own health while I've been busily beating myself up.

I just wish I had a kid that lived here that I could actually trust to stay in my home and watch my pets while I went away for a weekend. I knew she wasn't an option, after our trip this past summer when she tried to break into our bedroom and steal the benedryl (she abuses it by taking 20 at a time). I was thinking of boarding Tiny, or getting someone to come and stay here, but I don't know who I could ask at this point, or if I can afford the boarding. We have a trip planned in January, with friends to celebrate me & Ryan's birthdays. I found a room where I can bring Tiny, so we'll see.

I should be excited for the upcoming holidays and our friends' twins being born (which reminds me, I need to get started on crocheting some baby boy gifts for them) and making plans for camping this Spring, not stressing out and worrying about a person who just wants to self-destruct because she can. I have enough trouble with my depression without her adding to it, I was finally getting a grip on the weather changing and got the news she was in jail again. Arg!!!!!!!

Three More Days

Wow. It's almost November. That means it's almost NaNoWriMo. I'm nervous & excited all at once. I know I can do this, I've been writing most of my life. I used to love to write short stories when I was younger, but had such a hard time figuring out how to end a story that I just gave up. I guess it'll be easier with a novel - I have a longer space to tie loose ends up in.

It's not like I'll be jumping into something I've never done and expecting to make a living at it. This is for fun & to purge this story idea from my head. I dreamed it, before I fully committed to the idea of writing a book & now it won't leave me alone.

I think it's going to be a very important learning experience & I think I'll come away from it with a lot of valuable input. I'm really looking forward to starting!

What a Week!

I managed to get everything done but the chocolate lollipops, those were an epic fail & I gave up. Frustration isn't fun for me & I won't do things like that if I'm not enjoying myself. I didn't make the fudge exactly according to the directions, because I made it upside down & then realized I couldn't put the candy corn pieces on the top then. Oh well, it'll be good & festive & they can eat their candy corn off the fudge, it won't kill anyone.

I need to get pumpkins carved this morning, along with a bunch of other things that have to be done, like cleaning our bedroom (we hold ritual in there) and finished ritual prep and the normal every day cleaning. It will be a very busy day, but all worth it in the end. The party will be a lot of fun tonight & I'm really looking forward to seeing who all shows up. There had better be absolutely no drama, or people will be made to leave, I won't have people hurting other people's feelings tonight. I'm trying to decide whether I should save pumpkin seeds or just throw them away to save time. I always want to throw them away, but saving & roasting usually wins out. I'm not really sure I have time for that this time, though.

I'm just slightly frustrated at the moment. I arranged for our daughter to get her flu shot for free this morning & now she's backing out of it. She's so afraid of needles that she doesn't even realize it's a tiny poke & it's done & then she isn't worrying about being sick all winter. She just remembers the trauma of her last immunizations at 5 & thinks they're all that way. Oh well, I tried. This is her choice. I'm done trying to keep her healthy.

The Samhain Crunch

It seriously feels like I'm just as busy in the week prior to Samhain as I am right before Yule. It makes sense, with this being my favorite Sabbat, but I don't remember being this busy before we started our own Circle. Yes, we always have had parties for Halloween, or at least for the past 11 years we have, but when you add that to ritual preparation and all of that? Crazy.

Troy & I have our costumes all figured out, and neither of them required any special purchases, like  boots or prosthetic teeth or anything. I'm actually using mostly things I already own & we bought Troy a costume. I figured out something for Dawn to wear to the party & am making her a super-cute Halloween apron to wear with her witchy stuff (like a black skirt & hat) on Halloween, when we're together handing out treats. My friend from Michigan, Mary, made me one & sent it to me. I'm almost down to just decorative stuff on Dawn's, but I can already see how cute it's going to be, I really hope she's loves it.

Anyway, I still have candy corn fudge, chocolate lollipops & monster cookies to make & a haunted gingerbread house to decorate. Before that, I think I'll finish the apron & the top for my own costume.

A Nice Weekend

Troy & I have had a pretty nice weekend together so far. Friday, we pretty much just relaxed. Later in the day, we went to the store & bought some yard decorations for Halloween & put them up along with what we already had in storage, then we had dinner & watched "Merlin" on Netflix streaming for the rest of the evening.

Saturday, we slept in and then got up, and headed for New Harmony for their annual Apple Harvest Festival. Our friends live across the street, so we pretty much always have good parking & a place to sit & people watch. We wandered over to the festival with Jason to buy our cider, then we all walked around looking at the booths. I bought a jar of pomegranate jalapeno jelly, which was just spicy enough without hurting. We later tried some habanero pineapple that was way, way too hot.

After that we just sat around visiting. Troy kind of directed traffic, so people weren't blocking the driveway & then he & our friend's sister went & picked apples. We brought a nice box of Jonagold home & put them in the bedroom. It smells like we sprayed a really expensive air freshener in there, now.

I looked up the directions for making hard cider & we went & bought the extra sugar I needed, came home & I got that started & jugged. It's sitting under the sink with the latest mead, bubbling away. It'll be a nice treat this winter & should hopefully be ready by my birthday.

Today, we're just relaxing at the moment, but in awhile, we'll go to the store & buy the papers so I can clip the coupons & start to get ready for grocery shopping on Friday. I need to find a source for cheap ink cartridges, because I have a bunch that need printing & I'm out of ink. Tonight, Dawn & Justin are coming over for dinner & TV, and that'll be it for the weekend, but at least it was a bit longer than last week!

No Talent

How do you tell someone who has a huge dream to do something they have no talent at, that they should rethink their dreams? I don't want to dash anyone's dreams, but sometimes, no matter how hard you work at something, you just don't have the necessary talent to excel at something.

Take myself, for instance. I spent over 2 years trying to learn to play guitar. I never managed anything beyond plucking out a song on the strings & learning one chord in all of that time. I switched to the flute & by the time I started my Senior year of high school, I was sitting in the first chair. With just a tiny change, I found something I was good at & found endless hours of joy with.

No one told me, though. I realized that I was never going to learn to play the guitar, no matter how long I tried & that honestly, I didn't really enjoy doing it. This person? Too stubborn to probably even listen to anyone if they told her, so I guess I'll just wait it out & see if she realizes it on her own somewhere down the line.

People are Amazing

One of my friends is one of the toughest, most amazing women I know. She overcame decades of addiction, a score of arrests & convictions and has a bunch of amazing kids. She rediscovered & married her junior high sweetheart & has been through a lot with him, as he has poor health & keeps getting hurt on top of that. She stands up for her rights & the rights of the people she loves, no matter what. I found out something the other day that just astounded me. She can't handle bodily fluids. At all. Not even farts. She gets physically ill when faced with most of them. She has 5 kids & a husband, I'm not sure how she gets through every day without spending it throwing up. She had planned to become a nurse or a CNA, until the other day, when she found out exactly what those careers entail. I think she plans to study for an office job, now. I'm still just amazed that something so little, that most of us, as moms, just accept & deal with has completely changed the career path of such an amazingly strong woman.

Rollercoaster of Fat

It feels that way, at times, at any rate. I'm back on track with my eating. Again. On most days. I think that the  best appetite suppressants for me are being very aware of what time of day I eat, whether I'm thirsty & checking with myself to make sure I'm not eating because I'm bored or lonely. I've been cooking smarter, and in much smaller quantities, so there aren't really leftovers & when there are, they automatically go in the freezer for a later meal. All of that is a part of my spending reduction kick that I've been on, too.

Troy's doctor changed his diet, and we've been pretty diligent about keeping up with that & making sure he's doing what he needs to, which helps me, too. So, yay!

Tired

I think I either slept too hard last night or just not long enough, because I'm just wiped out today. I also feel slightly guilty for not being at the gym this morning, but it's closed, so we have an enforced day off. Fall really isn't the best time for me to be trying to get back on track with my eating & exercising, but it's now or never, honestly. I don't want to end up gaining everything back, then a couple hundred more, so that I can be worrying about dying constantly.

I mean, last year, we were looking into buying a gps for our friend for Yule. This year? He's unemployed because he lacked the motivation to get his weight & diabetes under control. I don't want to be him.

Finally!

Our trailer payments are finally situated (I think) and we actually got to make our first one the other day. That took a lot of stress off of my shoulders & I didn't even have to hawk my diamond rings or Morgan dollars (I don't even know if I own any diamonds, isn't that silly?). We were able to make that payment, take care of our bills, buy gas & groceries and still have enough money left for a little furniture and a couple of movie nights, so everything is going to work out just fine, especially with us being so much more budget conscious these days.

I love it when things work out the way I plan them to, and this time, I actually did sit down, figure out our budget & what we could afford before we ever went & looked at trailers. Maybe I'm finally growing up at 45!

Yay!

We did manage to get in the other day to pay our rent & sign our new lease. I hate moving, so knowing we'll be here for at least 2 more years makes me very, very happy. We need to try to figure out a way to keep the back lawn from dying every summer, though. I think I gave up on it after we broke the gazebo, since it seemed like I was never going to have my nice back yard. I have to get myself past that mindset for next summer.

I think our friends finally got moved, or at least, they'll be done today, because they have no choice. They got a 3-day pay or quit notice in the middle of their move, so now they won't even get a chance to clean the house when they get everything out of it. Oh well, you do what you have to do, you know?

I'm so frustrated with the financing on the travel trailer. First off, our first payment was due on August 18. We didn't even hear from the finance company until August 31, so we couldn't pay it. Apparently a Ford dealership in St. George made the first payment & have sent us a bill,but then we got a bill from the finance company wanting us to make the same payment. I'm going to make it once, so someone better start answering our calls, the first one who does & explains this is getting our money. I swear, I feel like finding someone who will buy Morgan dollar coins and selling the ones I have. I'm tired of worrying about this. I just want to start making payments, you know?

Aggravation

I get it. Moving sucks & no one likes to do it. But seriously? Don't start packing 2 days before you know you're going to start moving. That just makes everything harder for you & everyone who is supposed to be helping you. No, we're not moving, as a matter of fact, we'll be signing a 2 year lease on the place we're in. Hopefully today.

I say hopefully, because we've been sitting around all day so far (well, since 10:45am) waiting on people who are moving to get a hold of us so Troy can help them move some things. I swear, we could have run our errands, gone & done photo holiday cards, had them printed & sent out, and taken a nap in that time. It feels that way, at any rate. This whole week has been a series of hurry up & wait regarding this move.

Very little was packed when we started, everything is going to several different places, since the people in the house are all going to different places and also putting things in storage, so it's totally disorganized & none of them are on the same page as each other, so nothing is really getting done. It's totally not anyone's fault, it's just not a move anyone really wanted to make, and I imagine that's making it harder.

Anyway, what we were waiting on has been put off for now, so I guess we'll go do what we need to, so we're free to help later.

Winning

I have been known to win things online, occasionally. I won a year's domain name registration once, along with domain hosting, which started all of this blogging. Usually, though, it's something I won't ever use. I have never won anything in the "real world," or at least I haven't as far as I remember. Maybe some games of BINGO at church, many, many years ago.

I'm okay with that, I really am. I'd just really, really love to start winning at life. I just want things to start going right for us, for everything not to taste like failure every day. Even buying the trailer, since Troy is so stressed out about being able to get it in & out of places that he hesitates to even talk about going camping now. I'm really tempted to have him call the dealer & see about returning it, since we haven't even made a payment on it yet.

I thought I did okay raising the kids, but look at them now. I know that their choices belong to them, and that they've made some pretty bad ones. I also know it isn't all my fault, but I'm realistic enough to accept that part of it is. I don't have to like it. I don't like it. I can't change it, it's frustrating, but it's life.

At My Wit's End

I had to have Rhi arrested last Sunday night. She came home drunk again and when confronted with it, started yelling and screaming at us. In the course of the argument with Troy, he discovered a huge bottle of mouthwash, and since it contained alcohol, we knew she'd been drinking it. I finally had had enough & called the police, knowing that she'd just keep doing it if I didn't. The police never seem to understand why I'm calling them, but she's on probation, with a no-alcohol clause & I'm not going to allow her to violate that in my home. They let her out 2 days later, and now the county attorney wants to revoke her previous probation & send her to jail on her misdemeanor charges from last year.

Right now, she's not living in our home, I made that decision after I had her arrested. We can't put up with that behavior anymore, we're constantly having to worry about her sobriety & it's not our job. She's at her friend's house until we can be sure that she's been staying sober & can finish decide which boundaries we have to set in our home to let her back. I feel like, at this point, we should have shirts made, that say, "We survived Rhi!" or something. It's a constant roller-coaster & we can't take very much more. We went & talked to a counselor, just to make sure that what we plan to do is the right thing. She agreed that we should allow her to come back, but definitely on our terms & only when we're ready. Right now, I'm kind of on hold, waiting for her hearing on Tuesday, because if she's going to jail, there's no point in deciding on those rules yet.

I'm really ready for all of this to be over.

End of Summer Blues

I know that technically, Summer isn't over for more than a month, but school started here today, so the "vacation" part of it is certainly done. I'm starting to dread the coming months, already. I can handle being cold, it isn't that. It's more feeling like I'm trapped in the house, with nothing to do & nowhere to go. If  I were on an anxiety medication, I honestly believe that by the end of Winter, I'd have abused it so much that I'd need to try to find a rehab center just to get off of it. That's how much Winter stresses me out. I really think this year, I'm going to focus on getting a lot of reading, crafting & such done. I will have to keep myself very busy & we plan to get out of town & go south, at least once a month, to help ease the depression & stress.

Anyway. We went camping last week & took the trailer. It was a good trip, in all honesty. I think most of us were too stressed out to really relax a lot & little things seemed to really set people off. I'm pretty sure I was coming down with the bug that I'm pretty much down-for-the-count with right now, plus, people seemed to really use a lot of our water in the trailer, because we ran out after the second day & really shouldn't have. We'll get things down to a science eventually, but it's hard running out of water when you're in an unimproved campsite, you know? I'd love to pack up Rhi & Tiny & head out on our own this weekend, but I don't think we have the gas to be able to, sadly.

Yard Work

Well, thankfully, with all of the rain, I haven't had to remember to water the lawns, and they look great again. Unfortunately, the weeds are all thriving, too. We were going to buy a weed eater the other day, with other attachments that we could get later on, but we bought a travel trailer instead. I'm not regretting our purchase in any way (at least not yet, we haven't used it still), but I do wish we'd have bought the trimmer earlier in the season, so that we had it to use. It would make yard work so much easier & quicker.

Ah well. Hopefully we'll be able to get it soon.